'TIS CHRISTMAS

Christmas is but a few days away... and this holiday has different meanings to different people. To some, it is a time to spread love and joy... a time to give and receive.

To others, it is a time to lament on how a simple holiday got overrun by commercialism, from the extravagant Christmas lights displays to how people are spending an amount that could be the GDP of a small country on useless, overpriced Christmas gifts.

But irregardless of which side of the fence you're on... it is good to remember that Christmas is also a time to think of the less fortunate.

And I'm not talking about the orphans and the homeless or those people in countries torn by natural disaster or war... I'm sure our hearts are already out to them.

The less fortunate people I'm referring to are people who have been suffering this particular holiday in silence. People who have been put through cruel and unusual punishment and yet do not have the power to air their grievances out of fear of being branded as Grinches or Scrooges or 'em bloody liberal athiests.

It is to these people that I dedicate this post to... and to these people, I say, "Don't fret. I hear you... I hear your pains, I feel your suffering. I can't do shit to help change the situation... but take heart in the fact that Christmas is going to end soon..."

LESS FORTUNATE PEOPLE WHO I ASSUME WOULDN'T BE ENJOYING CHRISTMAS...

Staff At Fast Food Joints And Movie Theatres
Because they are "encouraged" to wear silly conical fur bobbled hats while they work throughout the month of December to "spread the Christmas cheer"...

People Without MP3s
Because they'll end up having to listen to all the non-stop jing-jing-jingaling piped-in Christmas muzak while grocery shopping, while in the elavators, while taking a pee in the mall...

People Without Cable or DVD players
Because they'll have to settle for watching to free-to-air channels, where local "celebrities" will more likely than not ruin perfectly nice Christmas songs during the obligatory Christmas Special on TV

The Newspaperboy/man
Because they will have to deliver much thicker, heavier newspapers throughout the month of December because it's choked full of Christmas Sale advertisements and Christmas catalogues and Christmas bumper issues and...

Unsuspecting Pedestrains In Orchard Road
Because they will be accosted by over-enthusiastic seasonal touts selling all manner of overpriced junk they will have no use for... like conical hats with flickering lights or fake reindeer antlers with flickering lights and colourful jester hats with, you've guessed it... bloody flickering lights

Office I.T. Guys
Because they will have to entertain a barrage of complaints of the server being slow because it's overloaded with mass Xmas greetings and emails with high gigabytes due to the animated Santas, Rudolphs or Frosties. Or worse, the Xmas email greeting could turn out to be a worm or virus...

The Fat Guy In The Office

Because he knows the people in HR are going to "encourage" him don the fake white beard with elastic bands and dress up in the uncomfortable fake woolly red suit that doesn't breathe thus making him sweat and scratch incessantly around his crotch come day of the office Xmas party.

p.s.: My heart also goes out to the following people who are suffering due to obvious reasons, namely People Who Have Cheap Bastards as Colleagues, People Who Have Neighbours Who Do A Lot Of Carolling But Are Unfotunately Tone Deaf and Anyone Who Ended Up Unwillingly Buying One Of Those Kitschy Flickering Christmas Hats From The Touts...

SAHARADJA II

Here's another clip from Saharadja.

They're seen here performing their song, Abracadabra... which melds seamlessly together the ethnic harmonies of Indonesian gamelan and the Indian tabla while incorporating Celtic vibes with haunting vocal accompaniment... transforming this enchanting song into what can be best described as a flight of fantasy...

So sit back, relax, have a listen... and this may be a fairly obvious thing to point out but I thought I best drop a gentle reminder anyways... do make sure your computer has speakers, will you?



* once again, the audio and video quality of this clip is lacking but I do hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless.

MUCH ADO ABOUT... MY BEARD

Yes... I, bigfooz, now have a full-fledged beard. It's full on... my "man rug" is now all over the bottom half of my face... stretching from the sideburns to the cheeks, down to the chin and right back up to the upper lip.

And I didn't look quite as scary as I thought I'd be...

Thing is... the beard is getting me more attention from people than I had anticipated. They keep asking me: Why are you keeping the beard...? Why do you want to look like this? Why... why... why...?

"Is it because you're depressed over something...?"

"Are you now more religious?"

"Are so so damn bloody lazy now you can't even bloody pick up a stupid razor and shave, you bloody hippee?" (Ok... my grandaunt didn't exactly say that. What she said was in Malay so some of the meaning may be lost in translation but I think that's pretty much the gist of it)

I wish I could go make a bold statement about how my beard signifies my stand on manhood... against the emasculation of man with the current wave of metrosexual conformity that has swept the world and influenced the psyche of young males today through subliminal messages within mainstream media to subconciously imprint into their feeble minds the implicit need to scrub, shave, pluck and "boyzillian" wax themselves clean of any signs of manhood! We need to uphold the ideals of masculinity. It's is time men look like men! Death to the pretty boys!

Hmm... that was quite a manifesto...

But truth be told, I kept the beard... because I can. Not many people have the kind of raging testosterone and genetic make up to grow a full beard. And also because I was too damn bloody lazy last week to bloody pick up the stupid razor and shave... (So my grandaunt was right... except for the hippee part. Old people... they're very astute. They can see through you. Always.)

To those of you who are not big fans of my beard... fret not. It's going off soon enough... it won't be long before I get called to serve the nation (no beards allowed in the Police Force). Or I'll probably shave it when I take another stab in the corporate world (don't think they'd appreciate the beard there too) after my sabbatical this coming January.

But most likely it'll be off is when my grandaunt decides to pop over...

FUNNIES IN 6 WORDS PART II

My recent entry, "FUNNIES IN 6 WORDS" have generated quite a buzz. I'd like to thank my friend Yulia for telling me about the article on WIRED and for pushing me to write my own humourous take on the 6 word stories.

She too has a collection of stories in 6 words but hers are not so much funny as it is darkly morbid... so we have decided not to share them here for fear that it might give some impressionable young minds, some of whom may have accidentally stumbled onto my blog while in search of porn, some wrong ideas that may screw them up (perhaps more than they already are...) in the later stages of their lives.

But here are some less morbid contributions from others on their 6 word stories.

Artist or Madman? "What's his networth?"

* From teyk

"Why? I already decorated your grave..."
* From Eric Bonhomme, manager of Saharadja (not sure if this is morbid... or thoughtful.)

And here's a new collection of my funnies in 6 words. Hope you'll enjoy them as much as the last one.

Breakfast - beans. Elevator - crowded. Stomach - rumbling...

Died. Didn't follow light. Got lost.

Read his mind. Came out blank.

Read her mind. Came out confused.

Christmas. Party. Dark. Mistletoe. Kiss. Moustache?

SAHARADJA

Saharadja... a band that has created one of the coolest, most eclectic sounds to emerge from the tropical paradise of Bali. It's not everyday that you can hear the trumpet, guitar, tabla, violin, the didgeridoo, tin flute... all harmonising perfectly together to create a sound that is almost ethereal. Their music is best served live... which is why if you're ever headed to Bali, theirs is a performance you shouldn't miss.

But till then, here's an excerpt of the beautiful music that is Saharadja.



* The sound and video quality is lacking... but I do hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless.

FUNNIES IN 6 WORDS

In the Nov 06 issue of WIRED, the magazine invited science fiction, fantasy and horror writers to write a story in just six words. This was inspired by Ernest Hemingway who once wrote "Baby shoes. For Sale. Never Worn." and he called it his best work.

Inspired, I would now like to try my hand at writing a funny story in six words. Not easy... considering the fact that I am, by nature, a longwinded fellow with a convoluted mind and an inability to summarise or simplify my thoughts and expressions...

But I'll try.

Anyway here are some of my attempts at doing 6-word funnies...

Holding it in. Almost home. Crap........

Blacks seeks French prostitutes. In Lahore.

Invite says Casual. I came naked.

He aims, shoots... misses urinal. Again.

Everyone's on myspace. Ozzy, Oscar... Osama?

New murder weapons. Grenades... Polonium... "Laser"
(said in the voice of Dr Evil... complete with hand gesture to indicate inverted commas)








If anyone else have any other ideas for other 6 word funnies, please email them to me at bigfooz@gmail.com and I'll post them up in the Open Mike section.