TOP TEN SIGNS THE SUSHI YOU ATE WAS RADIOACTIVE

10. The sushi bar is run by an unusually large number of ex-KGB type Russians

9. The sushi is served on a 5-inch lead plate

8. The wasabi is an unusual neon green colour

7. The next morning, you can climb walls and develop spider sense... or in your case, fish sense...

6. You turn green when you're angry... and people won't like it when you're angry

5. Your body's so hot you can pop microwave popcorn by just touching the bag

4. You go swimming and the pool turns into a hot spring

3. You realize you now have a fully functioning tail

2. Everytime you fart, you see a mushroom cloud coming out of your ass

1. Your pee glows in the dark

DEATH BY... RADIOACTIVE SUSHI

The BBC had just reported that the death of the ex-Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko, was believed to have been due to eating sushi in a Picadilly sushi bar that had been poisoned with a radioactive element known as Polonium 210.


The new Russian Roulette - figuring out which sushi on the tray has Polonium 210...

While the doctors, the British government and press are busy speculating as to the reason for the poisoning, who is behind this and most importantly... whether London is safe from radioactive contamination, I just want to know one thing... who on Earth uses Polonium to poison someone?

Polonium is highly radioactive. A single gram of polonium-210 creates 140 Watts of heat energy and is being considered as a lightweight heat source for thermoelectric power for spacecraft. Something so radioactive must be a hassle to carry around, not to mention dangerous.

My knowledge of Chemistry is not all that great but I know that there is a whole list of elements from the Periodic Table that you can choose from as a poison... Arsenic, Mercury, Barium... rat poison...

In fact, why not just slip him a lil puffer fish? It is a sushi bar after all...

So the only conclusion I can come up with is that whoever poisoned this guy must've really hated him. I mean, to want to go through all that trouble to transport Polonium and risk radioactive poisoning on themselves just to poison this guy... he must've pissed someone off bigtime.

Either that or the price of Polonium in the Russian black market is now much cheaper compared to rat poison...

Now that's scary.

BRINGING COOL BACK

Not since Steve McQueen...

That was my thought when I watched Daniel Craig play the latest Bond in Casino Royale. I knew this man was cool ever since I watched him in Layer Cake (which is a brilliant movie for those of you who hasn't watched it). But seeing his interpretation of Bond, I couldn't help but feel that this man deserves to be exhalted as one of the coolest men in recent history. Not since Steve McQueen...

Here's my list of other coolest men of all time.


“I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them.” Sean Connery


"I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was." Muhammad Ali


"I don't need bodyguards. I'm from the South Bronx." Al Pacino


"I would rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on earth." Steve McQueen. Now this man... is coolness personified.

TOP TEN ANNOYING THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME THIS SUNDAY MORNING

10. Got woken up by a phonecall at 8am in the morning...

9. Got chided by the caller for still being asleep (it's a Sunday... you should be apologizing)

8. Was made to rummage through my wadrobe by the caller who wanted to borrow winter clothes

7. Tried to go back to sleep after that... but was already too awake to do so.

6. Decided to read the morning papers but realized someone had swiped my Sunday paper from my door

5. Had to use the toilet urgently (note to self: no more spicy suppers) but all of them were occupied

4. Realized my favourite Sunday morning cartoon... I mean, animation series... is no longer airing

3. Got a message that said that my date that day may be cancelled due to "unforseen circumstances"

2. My mother and sister decided to make me drive them to Singapore's largest mall... so that they can do some shoe shopping.

1. Realizing that after all the crap I've endured today, tomorrow's gonna be worse since it's a Monday.

WHAT HAPPENED ON 13 OCT 1974

It's been about a month since my last birthday and I was suddenly reminiscing... (I know I sound like an old coot when I used the word "reminisce". But then again, I now got over 30 years to reminisce about. That means even if I am not an ol' coot, I'm well on my way to being one, that's for sure...)

Anyway, I was reminiscing and I thought... wouldn't it be great to learn more about what happened in the world around the time I was born by checking out what popular culture (well, popular American culture) had to write about at that time? So I did a lil homework.

And guess what... nothing really great happened. It was kinda a blah month really. I mean, they were trying to fight inflation, recession, Dolly Parton's was big then (celebrity status... I meant, celebrity status...) and the only thing people were probably talking about was how the special effects people on The Exorcist made lil Linda Blair barf so much...

I mean... there were so many cooler magazine covers around that time. Time had Nixon's pardon for the Watergate scandal, Mad had cool cover of a hand showing its middle finger, Rolling Stone had Lennon and Yoko bucknaked... (I said cool. I never said pretty...)

Anyway, I decided to fast-track to the present and see what these magazines had to write about on my birthday this year, seriously hoping that there would be cooler things happening now as compared to 32 years before. And this is what I got...


An elephant's ass...? Not really feeling any better...


Still nothing...


Things are looking up. For the ladies, at least...


An anniversary cover... that's pretty cool


Mad Earl... now that's cool... (and how can you not love that face)


Ah... now I'm happy... (and how can you not love that... face...)

TOP TEN WAYS TO LOSE THAT FESTIVE FLAB

It's been a great month of indulging in reckless festive feasting... and this morning I realize that my bermudas are a tad too snug for comfort. It was then that it struck me... that new brand of detergent is making my bloody clothes shrink!

Of course, my maid didn't buy that and offered another more plausible theory... that I have, "perhaps", gained a lil festive flab. Perhaps... she could be right. But I'm changing my detergent anyways. Just in case.

Now... if the sudden feeling of snugness really was due to me piling on a few pounds, then a guess a weight loss regime is in order. Of course, I could do the normal regiment as prescribed by fitness professionals, i.e. set a goal, eat less, burn more, exercise, start on the Atkin's diet... or watch one of Oprah's weight loss specials to motivate myself... but that wouldn't be all that fun, would it?

So here are my top ten ways to lose the festive flab (warning: these weight loss ideas have not been tested, let alone proven - since no one sane enough would be willing to try it - so make sure you consult your doctor before doing this, do it at your own risk and should you lose you liver or anything like that... don't sue me)



10. Offer yourself as a spokesperson to a slimming centre. Be mentally prepared to have unflattering pictures of yourself splashed all over the local media.

9. Take naked pictures of yourself and threaten to post it all over the net if you don't lose weight. If people are smart, they'd rather cough up money for your lipo than have to see you naked.

8. Hide the remote. Searching for it under the sofa burns a lot of calories. Going to the mall to buy a new one burns more.

7. Work with OTO or OSIM. Free rides on the Flab-e-loss and iGallop all day. Woohoo!

6. Fail your IPPT. The government will do the rest.

5. Appeal to the government to allow us to use our CPF for liposuction

4. Wear pants that's one size smaller when you go out. Eat too much and risk splitting your pants and exposing your ugly brown butt to the world.

3. Burn those fat. You will have to live with 3rd degree burn scars for the rest of your life though.

2. Go to the Middle East. Rub all the lamps available. Pray a genie comes out of it then ask for 3 wishes.

1. Spend all your money set aside for food... on better detergent.

WHATSHISFACE

Festive season's over (thank god)... and I'm back. For those 7 or 8 people who have been visiting my blog daily... I'm sorry I haven't updated the blog but thank you for your commitment. I'm touched. Seriously.

And from hereon forth, I promise to dedicate more time into updating this blog. That is... until the next festive season... which is Christmas and then Eid again and then it's New Year's and after that Chinese New Year...

Anyway, speaking of the upcoming Christmas holidays, anyone intending to get me a gift (not that I'm asking for one... but I do love the spirit of giving and recieving... well, more recieving really), please refer to my earlier post dated 13th October on what NOT to buy me.

I honestly love the festive season. It's a time where you normally get a lot of invites for get-togethers. These get-togethers are great... you get to strengthen the bond between family and friends, you get to enjoy great food... and getting to see that distant fifth cousin or that old childhood friend whom you used to persistently make fun of now blossomed into a pretty young woman... is always a nice perk.

But for me, there is a downside to all these get-togethers. It's remembering the names of all those people you meet. The truth is... I am bad at remembering names. If it were up to me, I'd make people wear those kitschy name tags at all these get-togethers. Imagine all the awkward situations I'd manage to avoid... calling a girl by the wrong name, looking stumped then desperately trying to hide that look with a crooked smile whenever a familiar face pops in front of you... or having to speak like a stoned frat boy all night by calling everyone "duuuude" (works if you're 18. doesn't work so well when you're 32)



It's not that I have a bad memory... but it is really hard to focus on remembering someone's name when you're constantly distracted by the wonderful buffet spread. Or by that beautiful fifth cousin I mentioned earlier... erm... whatshername...

I do have a few tricks up my sleeve to help me remember names. Unfortunately, most of them don't work all that well. But there are a few that work and they are:

- The Milli Vanilli Move
This is also known as the blame-it-on-someone-or something-else tactic. When in a situation where you need to cough up a name, drag someone else whom you both know into the conversation and make them say the other person's name. Say something like "Hey George, see who I bumped into...". Hopefully your friend George can't recall, putting him in an awkward position, making you're suddenly off the hook.

- The Stall and Smalltalk Move
Act as if nothing is wrong. Engage in small talk and try to dig for clues. Keep talking and stalling till you get a few clues. Get his or her family name, names of mutual friends, what nicknames they were called back in school... and if you still can't remember the name by this time, start laughing at their nickname. Hopefully this will make them walk away.

- The Stoned Fratboy Move
Only when you're desperate...