TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AFTER HEARING ABOUT THE MILITARY COUP IN BANGKOK

10. Call your travel agent, cancel your Bangkok trip... and pray they give you a refund

(If that doesn't work and you have to go to Bangkok anyway, this is what you should do...)

9. Get yourself a fake MEDIA pass before flying to Bangkok. It'll help you get around. Best place to get one is in Khao San Road, Bangkok... no wait, that won't work, won't it?

8. Carry roses to hand out to soldiers as peace offerings. The soldiers seem to like that.

7. Watch out for traffic when crossing roads. Tanks have lousy brakes.

6. Get a good map and mark out where to go to in any case of emergency. Good locations would be the temples, embassies... not go-go bars in Nana Plaza.

5. Avoid visiting locations like the Parliament Building, Thaksin's residence... and seedy Patpong go-go bars with one entry and exit point that's run by thugs out to scam you (the last one you should avoid visiting at all times, military coup or no military coup)

4. Pick up a few useful Thai phrases... like "Don't shoot me" or "Where can I buy bullet proof vest?" or "You sure this not an imitation bullet proof vest, right?"

3. Hire Thai boxers as bodyguards. They can double up as entertainment in your hotel room at night (and by that I mean free Muay Thai boxing matches, not some kinky Brokeback action)

2. Hire the tuk-tuk driver from the Visa TV ad with Pierce Brosnan (for quick getaways)



1. Never utter the words "Don't mess with me. I know Mr Thaksin!"