TRAIN SEAT PECKING ORDER
This morning, something fascinating happened while I was on the train. A commuter sat beside me. No, let me rephrase that... she CHOSE to sit beside me. Me. The guy who always get snubbed by commuters on the train... the guy who gets disdained looks from people when they see me seated... just because I happen to take a tiny wee bit more space than the average guy, no thanks to the train designers in the 80s who chose to design the train seats only for Lilliputian-sized Singaporeans.
Fat Man Waiting For Train. photo by sfbuckaroo from flikr www.flickr.com/photos/sfbuckaroo/sets/1535027/
It's like school all over again... it's Phys-Ed class and you are standing there hoping not to be picked last when the team captains are selecting who will be on their teams. Or like the poor girls in a Patpong brothel, sitting pretty in a room fashioned like a fishtank, hoping desperately to get picked by the men looking in (not that I'm at all familiar with this scene. I know because I just... read a lot).
Sure they don't say anything but I can sense that they are quietly fretting within when they see a big guy like me seated on the train, secretly wishing that I wasn't there so that they can sit comfortably and that their head won't have to end up being squished between my broad shoulders and the flat glass panel beside the exit. I don't blame them. No one likes to get squished... eventhough I personally feel fleshy bits of my arm does make for a good pillow.
Anyway, it's never fun to be at the bottom of the heap.
But today, I realized that I wasn't at the bottom of the heap. Because the commuter chose to sit beside me despite the fact that there were a couple of seats just opposite and the only guy seated there was a skinny dude. I pondered on the anomaly of this situation for a while and then, without warning, it struck me. Not the revelation to this anomaly, but a stench... the stench that was emanating from.... the skinny dude.
To put it bluntly... that dude stank so bad you'd think his body is a big bateria colony and all of them are feeding off the all-you-can-eat buffet in his armpits.
At first sight, you wouldn't realize that the stench was from him. His hair was carefully side-parted and he had nice polo t-shirt on. But upon closer inspection, you realize that only the top surface of his side-parted hair was wet while the hairs closer to the scalp were dry, almost crinkly. And the polo t-shirt he was wearing had faint outline near his pits, presumably from dried up sweat stains. And he still had crusts in the corner of his eyes! That led me to presume that skinny dude woke up late so he skipped the morning shower and did the bare minimum before leaving the house. And what's worse? He wore the shirt he wore yesterday. Bad idea...
It was then that I had an epiphany... fat guy trumps skinny guy IF skinny guy is smelly.
And with that, I drew up a pecking order of sorts that determines who is the best and the worst person to sit beside while on a train. Just out of curiosity... to see how low I'd end up in the hierarchy. And lo and behold... I'm actually quite high up there in the pecking order. A deluded exercise? Perhaps. But it does make me feel a tad better when I board the train now.
Whaddya know... I feel better. Blogging really is cheaper than therapy.
So here it is... from the best to the worst person to have seated beside you while on a train-
TRAIN SEAT PECKING ORDER
And until the day they have roll down windows on the train, guys who pukes on the train... stay at the bottom of the heap...
Fat Man Waiting For Train. photo by sfbuckaroo from flikr www.flickr.com/photos/sfbuckaroo/sets/1535027/
It's like school all over again... it's Phys-Ed class and you are standing there hoping not to be picked last when the team captains are selecting who will be on their teams. Or like the poor girls in a Patpong brothel, sitting pretty in a room fashioned like a fishtank, hoping desperately to get picked by the men looking in (not that I'm at all familiar with this scene. I know because I just... read a lot).
Sure they don't say anything but I can sense that they are quietly fretting within when they see a big guy like me seated on the train, secretly wishing that I wasn't there so that they can sit comfortably and that their head won't have to end up being squished between my broad shoulders and the flat glass panel beside the exit. I don't blame them. No one likes to get squished... eventhough I personally feel fleshy bits of my arm does make for a good pillow.
Anyway, it's never fun to be at the bottom of the heap.
But today, I realized that I wasn't at the bottom of the heap. Because the commuter chose to sit beside me despite the fact that there were a couple of seats just opposite and the only guy seated there was a skinny dude. I pondered on the anomaly of this situation for a while and then, without warning, it struck me. Not the revelation to this anomaly, but a stench... the stench that was emanating from.... the skinny dude.
To put it bluntly... that dude stank so bad you'd think his body is a big bateria colony and all of them are feeding off the all-you-can-eat buffet in his armpits.
At first sight, you wouldn't realize that the stench was from him. His hair was carefully side-parted and he had nice polo t-shirt on. But upon closer inspection, you realize that only the top surface of his side-parted hair was wet while the hairs closer to the scalp were dry, almost crinkly. And the polo t-shirt he was wearing had faint outline near his pits, presumably from dried up sweat stains. And he still had crusts in the corner of his eyes! That led me to presume that skinny dude woke up late so he skipped the morning shower and did the bare minimum before leaving the house. And what's worse? He wore the shirt he wore yesterday. Bad idea...
It was then that I had an epiphany... fat guy trumps skinny guy IF skinny guy is smelly.
And with that, I drew up a pecking order of sorts that determines who is the best and the worst person to sit beside while on a train. Just out of curiosity... to see how low I'd end up in the hierarchy. And lo and behold... I'm actually quite high up there in the pecking order. A deluded exercise? Perhaps. But it does make me feel a tad better when I board the train now.
Whaddya know... I feel better. Blogging really is cheaper than therapy.
So here it is... from the best to the worst person to have seated beside you while on a train-
TRAIN SEAT PECKING ORDER
Someone slim
trumps
Someone plump
trumps
Someone fat
trumps
Someone skinny but smelly
trumps
Someone fat and smelly
trumps
Someone skinny, smelly and picks their nose, roll their boogers up and flicks them indiscriminately
trumps
Someone fat, smelly and picks their nose, rolls their boogers up and flicks them indiscriminately
trumps...
Someone who pukes on the train
And until the day they have roll down windows on the train, guys who pukes on the train... stay at the bottom of the heap...
posted by bigfooz at 6:14 pm
2 Comments:
What about the gender or race issues? Females will sit next to another female (who may be either thin or plump) rather than next to a guy. And in buses (tho not so much in trains, maybe due to limited selection in the first place), I noticed that the ang-mohs are avoided, esp. if they're guys.
And btw, be thankful. People almost always choose to sit beside me, even if there are plenty of other seats, sigh.
I had someone puking right beside me on the train once when i was on the way to school. it was such an unsightly start to my morning, jostling me awake. Oh gosh, thank GOSH! i didnt puke too cos i have the tendency to do so.
And to add on to bad odour, i dont like standing beside a person of a particular race who raises his/her armpit. Not to say that I am racist, but really, they could smell pretty bad, probably cos of the spices (as what they say). The smell is totally unpleasant and I have been experiencing such "Stand beside me and when I raise my armpit, u'll smell it but Sorry, I cant help it" way too many times.
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