MY NEW CAREER IN EMMY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH WRITING

I watched the 58th Emmy Awards last night and as always, everytime I watch such award shows, I always imagined that it was me getting the award. I wouldn't care which category I'd win in. I wouldn't even mind if I had to share it with so many other people that by the time I got myself up the Emmy stage, the music would start playing and the gorgeous usher would be shooing me off backstage. Just want to win.

But it would be nice to have the Emmy all to myself though, me giving a kick ass acceptance speech... something along the line of "My Name Is Earl" producer and writer Greg Garcia's acceptance speech last night... where instead of thanking people, he actually said "no thank you" to people that annoyed him in the past.


Greg Garcia. Image from http://www.eonline.com/Features/Awards/Emmys2006/BestWorst/index11.html

Anyway, for me to actually win an Emmy is kind of a long shot. But I got to thinking... perhaps I can kick start a career in writing other people's Emmy acceptance speeches. I mean, they already have to worry about what to wear, what to say when interviewed by E! on the red carpet, how to best pose so that they don't end up looking like "a-deer-staring-at-a-truck's-headlights-seconds-before-it-gets-run-over" on the tabloids the next day... one lesser thing to worry about would be a godsend.

So here are a few of my draft acceptance speeches. Let me know if I have the chops to pursue a career in this new line of work...

MY EMMY ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

Acceptance speech No. 1
"Thank you very much for this. First and foremost, I would like to thank the 8th Dynamic Infinity for granting me all this. I would also like to thank Tom... for showing me the true path... and for pulling the necessary strings that led me here. I am forever in your debt. This Emmy win means a lot to me... and hopefully this win will enlighten me and lead me to an evolutionary state to becoming a higher being. Thank you... live long and prosper."

Acceptance speech No. 2
"Oh god... I never expected to win this! It's not easy getting your big break in Hollywood. So I want to thank the guy who made it possible... my ex-pimp, Tricky Zizzle, for believing in me and giving me a job when I first came to LA, penniless and desperate. Thank you also for "hooking" me up *wink at camera* with the big producers, without which I would never get my big break. And finally, thank you also for letting me practice my acting while I'm doing my clients... you don't know how much that has helped me become the convincing actress I am today. Thank you Zizzy."

Acceptance speech No.3
"I have a long list of people that I want to thank but it is impossible to thank everyone within the alloted 30 secs. So here's what I'll do... I'll be taking a picture of myself with this baby *point to Emmy* and email blast it to every single one of you who have made this possible for me. And for those people didn't help make this possible and still got my thank you email, don't worry... it's no accident. It's my way of saying... neh ne neh-neh-neh...."