YOU KNOW THE HAZE IS BAD WHEN...

This morning... the haze situation in Singapore got really bad. I sound like Darth Vader... or a perverted sex fiend (when I'm on the phone, that is) and damn it... I don't even have asthma.

Every year, the Southeast Asian region gets stricken with haze, no thanks for the "slash and burn" practices of our agricultural neighbours down south. And today, Pollutant Standards Index (PSI) level hits a high of 150 and anything beyond the 100 mark indicates that the air now is at unhealthy levels.

Anyway, you really don't need the stinking (pun intended) PSI to tell you the haze is bad. You know the haze is bad when....

- Smokers decide to quit smoking, take the filters off their remaining sticks of Malboros and stuff them up their nostrils

- Someone farts in the room and people welcome the smell

- The country looks like a dodgy 80s disco with a faulty smoke machine... or

- The country looks like a ganja bar in Amsterdam

- Golf courses decide to replace the tiny flags at each hole with miniature lighthouses

- Milli Vanilli called... they told us to just Blame It On The Haze

- I cash in my retirement fund and fly Erin Brockovich here to sue someone's ass off

- The French starts selling us bottled air at premium prices...